There are no rules; grieving honestly
When it came time for her to speak she said, “I made it through the holidays, but now I’m crashing. I’m having a difficult time taking my son’s stocking down and putting it away. It’s like putting him away too.” When the holidays are over we’re conditioned to take down our trees, decorations and stockings within a few weeks. Doing anything else is foreign to us because that’s what’s expected.
After a few moments of silence, another bereaved parent said, “Then don’t take it down.” And it dawned on her, and helped her to realize that when our kids die, there are no rules to how we should grieve. If the stocking needs to stay up all year, that’s fine. What’s important is that we grieve in a way that works best for us, not in a way that tradition may dictate, or what others may expect. As long as we’re not abusive to ourselves or others, and not stuck in chronic grief, we can do our greatest healing by grieving in ways that are positive and good for us.
We live by the rules we’re conditioned to live by. We go on green and stop on red. We take up just one parking space. We walk on “Walk” and don’t on “Don’t Walk.” The same goes for other rules in our lives. Especially those that relate to grieving. Our society has conditioned us to believe we’re not supposed to cry in public or show any signs of our suffering. We’re not given permission to express our pain other than in a private, sheltered way. Often we’re expected to be over our heartache and back to “normal” within days or weeks after the death of our children.
Our continuous stream of tears and cries for help make others uncomfortable because our traditions don’t allow us the time or space we need to
at least begin to crawl again in our new lives. Sometimes we’re judged or criticized and told to “move on.” Others have their goals for us, when our goal is simply to breathe in and breathe out. Expectations are placed on us by those who don’t understand our pain and sometimes we become “pleaser grievers” in the beginning by putting those same expectations on ourselves, which for the most part are unrealistic and unattainable. Early in our grief we’re so wounded and confused that others can easily intimidate us into acting in a way that pleases them. If our pain goes away, then theirs can too and they’ll no longer need to reach out to us. After a few months if you find you continue to be a “pleaser griever” and it’s making you miserable, you may want to seek help. For our healing to begin, it’s important to grieve honestly, even if it means others may leave us.
Do what’s best for you. If you don’t want to attend traditional family gatherings around holidays, birthdays or vacations because you just can’t do
it……..then don’t do it. And there’s no need to make excuses, or to apologize, as to why you can’t be there. A broken heart needs no reason to stay home. In time it may be necessary to push yourself to get back into living again, but that’s doing it for you, not for anyone else.
It may be necessary to stick up for your process. If someone’s doing something that’s hurtful, tell them. Don’t let their desire to control your grieving affect how you’re doing it. You’ll quickly find who’s going to be in your corner and who can no longer support you. For those who can’t, let them go and wish them well. Darcie Sims says it best, “Forgive them for what they will never be.” We can’t demand support, some will give it and some won’t. Many
just don’t know how to give it and I doubt most of us knew how to give it before our kids died. If you have support, make sure you thank them, and thank them a lot.
If you want to talk about your child, you may be the only one doing it. It can make some uncomfortable to bring up their life, or their death. They may
think they’ll be reminding you that your child died. When in reality what they’re doing is reminding you that your child lived. I’ve found that no matter how many times I tell people that we love to hear about, and talk about our kids, they quickly forget. Once they see us back out among the living and we’re
smiling or laughing, they think we no longer need their support and that we’re now over the death of our child. Most people want to help, they don’t like to
see us suffering, but they just don’t know how. And there are also those who just don’t want to for their own reasons. Let them go and wish them well.
If you want support you may need to become the teacher and they the student. When you’re comfortable, tell people how they can help, let them know what you need. People can’t understand our pain, but they can understand our need for support if we ask for it in a reasonable way; not demanding or pushy.
During the holidays, your child’s birthday or death day, you may need to initiate a remembrance of your child. Others either don’t know how, or feel too uncomfortable to do it. After all, by bringing up your child’s life, they’re also bringing up their death and that can make them want to hold back. It can be another opportunity for you to become the teacher as to what you need from your family and friends. By letting them know what you’d like to have happen and how great it makes you feel when they remember you, and your child, you give them the opening they may need in their desire to support you.
As confusing and horrible as this journey is, it can be survived, but it takes time, courage and reaching out for help. Grieving is not something you
need to do alone, but it’s important to grieve in a way that’s best for you, not what’s best for others. Trust your heart. If you grieve honestly, you’ll become
more comfortable in your grief and better able to learn to live with it.
When it came time for her to speak she said, “I made it through the holidays, but now I’m crashing. I’m having a difficult time taking my son’s stocking down and putting it away. It’s like putting him away too.” When the holidays are over we’re conditioned to take down our trees, decorations and stockings within a few weeks. Doing anything else is foreign to us because that’s what’s expected.
After a few moments of silence, another bereaved parent said, “Then don’t take it down.” And it dawned on her, and helped her to realize that when our kids die, there are no rules to how we should grieve. If the stocking needs to stay up all year, that’s fine. What’s important is that we grieve in a way that works best for us, not in a way that tradition may dictate, or what others may expect. As long as we’re not abusive to ourselves or others, and not stuck in chronic grief, we can do our greatest healing by grieving in ways that are positive and good for us.
We live by the rules we’re conditioned to live by. We go on green and stop on red. We take up just one parking space. We walk on “Walk” and don’t on “Don’t Walk.” The same goes for other rules in our lives. Especially those that relate to grieving. Our society has conditioned us to believe we’re not supposed to cry in public or show any signs of our suffering. We’re not given permission to express our pain other than in a private, sheltered way. Often we’re expected to be over our heartache and back to “normal” within days or weeks after the death of our children.
Our continuous stream of tears and cries for help make others uncomfortable because our traditions don’t allow us the time or space we need to
at least begin to crawl again in our new lives. Sometimes we’re judged or criticized and told to “move on.” Others have their goals for us, when our goal is simply to breathe in and breathe out. Expectations are placed on us by those who don’t understand our pain and sometimes we become “pleaser grievers” in the beginning by putting those same expectations on ourselves, which for the most part are unrealistic and unattainable. Early in our grief we’re so wounded and confused that others can easily intimidate us into acting in a way that pleases them. If our pain goes away, then theirs can too and they’ll no longer need to reach out to us. After a few months if you find you continue to be a “pleaser griever” and it’s making you miserable, you may want to seek help. For our healing to begin, it’s important to grieve honestly, even if it means others may leave us.
Do what’s best for you. If you don’t want to attend traditional family gatherings around holidays, birthdays or vacations because you just can’t do
it……..then don’t do it. And there’s no need to make excuses, or to apologize, as to why you can’t be there. A broken heart needs no reason to stay home. In time it may be necessary to push yourself to get back into living again, but that’s doing it for you, not for anyone else.
It may be necessary to stick up for your process. If someone’s doing something that’s hurtful, tell them. Don’t let their desire to control your grieving affect how you’re doing it. You’ll quickly find who’s going to be in your corner and who can no longer support you. For those who can’t, let them go and wish them well. Darcie Sims says it best, “Forgive them for what they will never be.” We can’t demand support, some will give it and some won’t. Many
just don’t know how to give it and I doubt most of us knew how to give it before our kids died. If you have support, make sure you thank them, and thank them a lot.
If you want to talk about your child, you may be the only one doing it. It can make some uncomfortable to bring up their life, or their death. They may
think they’ll be reminding you that your child died. When in reality what they’re doing is reminding you that your child lived. I’ve found that no matter how many times I tell people that we love to hear about, and talk about our kids, they quickly forget. Once they see us back out among the living and we’re
smiling or laughing, they think we no longer need their support and that we’re now over the death of our child. Most people want to help, they don’t like to
see us suffering, but they just don’t know how. And there are also those who just don’t want to for their own reasons. Let them go and wish them well.
If you want support you may need to become the teacher and they the student. When you’re comfortable, tell people how they can help, let them know what you need. People can’t understand our pain, but they can understand our need for support if we ask for it in a reasonable way; not demanding or pushy.
During the holidays, your child’s birthday or death day, you may need to initiate a remembrance of your child. Others either don’t know how, or feel too uncomfortable to do it. After all, by bringing up your child’s life, they’re also bringing up their death and that can make them want to hold back. It can be another opportunity for you to become the teacher as to what you need from your family and friends. By letting them know what you’d like to have happen and how great it makes you feel when they remember you, and your child, you give them the opening they may need in their desire to support you.
As confusing and horrible as this journey is, it can be survived, but it takes time, courage and reaching out for help. Grieving is not something you
need to do alone, but it’s important to grieve in a way that’s best for you, not what’s best for others. Trust your heart. If you grieve honestly, you’ll become
more comfortable in your grief and better able to learn to live with it.