To get somewhere you have to leave nowhere behind
When I first tried to ride my bike without training wheels and without my dad holding onto the seat, a mixture of excitement and fear pulsed through my body. I felt much more fear than excitement. I was afraid of falling down, breaking my leg or crashing into a tree and killing myself. “Somebody save me……..pleeeeeease!" We lived outside Toledo, Ohio with a soaring cottonwood tree in our parkway. Unbeknownst to me, someone planted a magnet inside that tree. When I started pedaling my bike I was yanked into its trunk, and not in a nice way. OUCH!! Challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to ride with my friends I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn’t understand the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn’t know my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas later in my life. The lesson I learned was that to get somewhere I had to leave nowhere behind.
After my son died, I found myself living in nowhere and it was fine with me. My comfort zone was destroyed, nothing would ever be the same again. My past life ended and this new unwanted journey propelled me into areas I knew nothing about. The pain was so intense; the suffering so great, I sometimes didn’t want to live another moment or even try. “Nowhere is just fine thank you.” And that’s where I stayed for a long time. In the beginning that was okay. It was okay to feel anything I wanted to feel; to do anything I wanted that didn’t hurt myself or others; to stumble and fall in my new crippled life. Nowhere became very comfortable, somewhere was not a place I wanted to go.
It’s when nowhere became our comfort zone and we resisted going somewhere, that we made the decision to either stay in nowhere or challenge ourselves, get back on our bike and work at going somewhere, even though we didn't know where somewhere would take us. Getting back on, spinning the pedals in place, balancing our bike as we threw our leg over the bar again was a scary thing to do. But when we said, “Anywhere is better than nowhere,” is when our healing began . And it must begin if we’re going to go somewhere with our lives. The
unknown can be a frightening place because we’re walking blind. And yes, we may fall down, but each time we get back up, we’re on our way to somewhere and we’re a little bit stronger, a little bit more healed.
Grief is scary stuff. The scariest stuff I’ve ever known. As a combat veteran, wounded in Viet Nam, the terror I felt in the jungle paled in comparison to the terror I felt when I learned of the death of my son. Grief pounded on me, pinned me down, and wouldn’t let me up for a long time. We all know that feeling and how terrifying grief can be. It’s the monster under the bed that’s now out from under the bed and holding us down, just about scaring us to death. When we decide to move out of nowhere, we managed to breathe, we managed to exist.
How do we start going somewhere and leave nowhere behind? We start by expressing our pain in positive ways. If we express it negatively through violence, abuse, excessive drinking or taking drugs, we’ll be stuck in nowhere until those destructive behaviors stop. Nowhere is not a good place to live. Trying to bury our pain only creates more pain; it will not go away or weaken if we run from the pain. It will chase us down because our pain, our grief is our lifetime companion. If we confront it and work at our healing, the pain can lessen, our lives can get better. But they will only get better if we want them to get better and we do our work. It’s not easy to start the healing. It’s hard to jump into the deep end of the pool of our grief and try to swim with all the burdens in our new lives dragging us down, but it can be done.
What are positive ways we can express our suffering? We’ve been bitten by the poisonous snake of death and we need to get that poison out. One of the best ways to bleed out the poison of our suffering is to talk about it, talk about all of it. It’s okay to be angry, guilty, resentful, feel sorry for ourselves and experience the myriad of other emotions that churn inside us. It’s okay to express them not only through talking, but also through crying, writing, yelling at the wall, screaming in the car, beating up a pillow, hugging a friend, exercising, painting, making a memory book and on and on. If we have to, let others know what we need, ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness to say, “I don’t know what to do, help me.” That’s a sign of strength and a desire to go somewhere and leave nowhere behind. Early in our new lives it’s necessary to let
ourselves feel and express all our emotions, even the scary ones. As we do our healing work, it’s important to understand that holding on to the ugly emotions will keep us at nowhere; letting them go will get us going somewhere.
Forgiveness and letting go are positive ways to leave nowhere behind and move somewhere ahead. Letting go of our anger towards those who don’t “get it” is a good way to move somewhere. No one gets it like we do, don’t expect them to. Letting go of expectations of others who we think should be supporting us will help us heal. Forgiving those who hurt us, even though they thought they were trying to help, is a positive way to heal. Letting go of blame, guilt, resentment and our child’s physical death are ways to propel us forward in our healing. Moving forward with our lives is always our goal. Even though we will stumble and fallmany, many times (and that’s okay) it’s absolutely paramount to our healing that we get back up and move ahead, move somewhere further down the road on our journey. Forgiveness and letting go can be powerful healers.
“What can I do to keep from staying in nowhere?” Even though the death of our children has absolutely crushed us, it is because of their lives that we must fight for our lives. What are the little things in your life that will take you down your path to somewhere; to a better, happier and more meaningful life? One way to move to somewhere is to reach out and help others. Helping others will help us heal. As we involve ourselves in the lives of others we can once again find meaning in our lives.
We will always have the love we have for our children. We can no longer give it directly to them, but we can still give it away to others, spreading our love around by volunteering at a hospital, our church or at a school, mowing a neighbor’s lawn, washing their windows, working for our community festival or going to a nursing home and visiting with the elderly. We can give a compliment, hold open a door, and give someone a ride when they need it. There are lots of ways to get involved, lots of ways to go somewhere; ways to help ourselves by helping others.
We must continuously fight nowhere by working at going somewhere. Somewhere is a place of hope, a place where our lives can have meaning again. As we fight for our somewhere, we fight for the return of our smiles and the return of the lives of our kids. The fight is worth it, life is worth it, we, and our kids, are worth it.
When I first tried to ride my bike without training wheels and without my dad holding onto the seat, a mixture of excitement and fear pulsed through my body. I felt much more fear than excitement. I was afraid of falling down, breaking my leg or crashing into a tree and killing myself. “Somebody save me……..pleeeeeease!" We lived outside Toledo, Ohio with a soaring cottonwood tree in our parkway. Unbeknownst to me, someone planted a magnet inside that tree. When I started pedaling my bike I was yanked into its trunk, and not in a nice way. OUCH!! Challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to ride with my friends I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn’t understand the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn’t know my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas later in my life. The lesson I learned was that to get somewhere I had to leave nowhere behind.
After my son died, I found myself living in nowhere and it was fine with me. My comfort zone was destroyed, nothing would ever be the same again. My past life ended and this new unwanted journey propelled me into areas I knew nothing about. The pain was so intense; the suffering so great, I sometimes didn’t want to live another moment or even try. “Nowhere is just fine thank you.” And that’s where I stayed for a long time. In the beginning that was okay. It was okay to feel anything I wanted to feel; to do anything I wanted that didn’t hurt myself or others; to stumble and fall in my new crippled life. Nowhere became very comfortable, somewhere was not a place I wanted to go.
It’s when nowhere became our comfort zone and we resisted going somewhere, that we made the decision to either stay in nowhere or challenge ourselves, get back on our bike and work at going somewhere, even though we didn't know where somewhere would take us. Getting back on, spinning the pedals in place, balancing our bike as we threw our leg over the bar again was a scary thing to do. But when we said, “Anywhere is better than nowhere,” is when our healing began . And it must begin if we’re going to go somewhere with our lives. The
unknown can be a frightening place because we’re walking blind. And yes, we may fall down, but each time we get back up, we’re on our way to somewhere and we’re a little bit stronger, a little bit more healed.
Grief is scary stuff. The scariest stuff I’ve ever known. As a combat veteran, wounded in Viet Nam, the terror I felt in the jungle paled in comparison to the terror I felt when I learned of the death of my son. Grief pounded on me, pinned me down, and wouldn’t let me up for a long time. We all know that feeling and how terrifying grief can be. It’s the monster under the bed that’s now out from under the bed and holding us down, just about scaring us to death. When we decide to move out of nowhere, we managed to breathe, we managed to exist.
How do we start going somewhere and leave nowhere behind? We start by expressing our pain in positive ways. If we express it negatively through violence, abuse, excessive drinking or taking drugs, we’ll be stuck in nowhere until those destructive behaviors stop. Nowhere is not a good place to live. Trying to bury our pain only creates more pain; it will not go away or weaken if we run from the pain. It will chase us down because our pain, our grief is our lifetime companion. If we confront it and work at our healing, the pain can lessen, our lives can get better. But they will only get better if we want them to get better and we do our work. It’s not easy to start the healing. It’s hard to jump into the deep end of the pool of our grief and try to swim with all the burdens in our new lives dragging us down, but it can be done.
What are positive ways we can express our suffering? We’ve been bitten by the poisonous snake of death and we need to get that poison out. One of the best ways to bleed out the poison of our suffering is to talk about it, talk about all of it. It’s okay to be angry, guilty, resentful, feel sorry for ourselves and experience the myriad of other emotions that churn inside us. It’s okay to express them not only through talking, but also through crying, writing, yelling at the wall, screaming in the car, beating up a pillow, hugging a friend, exercising, painting, making a memory book and on and on. If we have to, let others know what we need, ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness to say, “I don’t know what to do, help me.” That’s a sign of strength and a desire to go somewhere and leave nowhere behind. Early in our new lives it’s necessary to let
ourselves feel and express all our emotions, even the scary ones. As we do our healing work, it’s important to understand that holding on to the ugly emotions will keep us at nowhere; letting them go will get us going somewhere.
Forgiveness and letting go are positive ways to leave nowhere behind and move somewhere ahead. Letting go of our anger towards those who don’t “get it” is a good way to move somewhere. No one gets it like we do, don’t expect them to. Letting go of expectations of others who we think should be supporting us will help us heal. Forgiving those who hurt us, even though they thought they were trying to help, is a positive way to heal. Letting go of blame, guilt, resentment and our child’s physical death are ways to propel us forward in our healing. Moving forward with our lives is always our goal. Even though we will stumble and fallmany, many times (and that’s okay) it’s absolutely paramount to our healing that we get back up and move ahead, move somewhere further down the road on our journey. Forgiveness and letting go can be powerful healers.
“What can I do to keep from staying in nowhere?” Even though the death of our children has absolutely crushed us, it is because of their lives that we must fight for our lives. What are the little things in your life that will take you down your path to somewhere; to a better, happier and more meaningful life? One way to move to somewhere is to reach out and help others. Helping others will help us heal. As we involve ourselves in the lives of others we can once again find meaning in our lives.
We will always have the love we have for our children. We can no longer give it directly to them, but we can still give it away to others, spreading our love around by volunteering at a hospital, our church or at a school, mowing a neighbor’s lawn, washing their windows, working for our community festival or going to a nursing home and visiting with the elderly. We can give a compliment, hold open a door, and give someone a ride when they need it. There are lots of ways to get involved, lots of ways to go somewhere; ways to help ourselves by helping others.
We must continuously fight nowhere by working at going somewhere. Somewhere is a place of hope, a place where our lives can have meaning again. As we fight for our somewhere, we fight for the return of our smiles and the return of the lives of our kids. The fight is worth it, life is worth it, we, and our kids, are worth it.