Is it time to forgive yourself?
Every year I’m invited to an Alumni Night by my support group. I go every year to let the newly bereaved know that with work done they can survive the death of their child and lead a good life again. Close to fourteen years down the road, my smile and the life of my son have been back
with me for many years.
Near the end of the meeting as questions and answers went back and forth, a bereaved father said quietly, “I wonder what more we could have done? What decisions should we have made differently?” There was pain in his voice and tears in his eyes. I suspect there was guilt in his heart. His daughter had died five years ago from complications brought on by diabetes. Someone else spoke quickly and we never got back to him. On my way home I started thinking about self forgiveness and what a great benefit it can be on the journey to a better life.
Those feelings of guilt associated with, “If I’d only….” or, “Why didn’t we….” or, “Should we have….,” are common. We think back and go over and over the decisions we made, or didn’t make, and try to figure out how it all went wrong when our child died. It’s easy to beat ourselves up with, “What if?”
We make decisions when we make them. If we made them before we made them we would have already made them. That sounds either very obvious or very dumb. When we make a decision, we make it because we think it’s the correct decision at that time. We say, “Yes.” When we make a decision and think it’s wrong, we don’t make the decision to move forward. We say, “No.” Before we make a decision we use the information available to us, our past experiences, advice from others and our best judgment. We mix some, or all, of those together and make a decision. Sometimes it’s just a best guess, but we do it always, always, thinking it’s the right thing to do.
Even the person who gets upset with their boss and yells at them, decided at some point that yelling at their boss was the right thing to do. As they’re yelling, they may be thinking,“This is wrong,” but they went ahead anyway because they decided it was right at that time. In hindsight, it
probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but at the moment it felt right. That’s why second guessing can be so destructive. “Why did I decide to yell at my boss? That was really dumb.” It was only dumb because that person now had more information on why it was dumb. That information wasn’t available when they decided to yell. We can’t know the future.
Some decisions work out and some don’t. If it turns out the decision you made was wrong, or not even made, which is a decision too, you then use that experience to make a better decision next time, which may or may not work out. Perfect decisions on sensitive subjects are challenging. We can make a perfectly round tire or find a perfect answer to a math problem, but “humans” and“perfect” and “emotions” sometimes don’t work out.
Things happen when they happen. If we go forward with a decision, it’s because we thinks it’s the right decision, even if it doesn’t turn out right, which we can’t always control.
We can't do something before we do it.
We can't think of something before we think of it.
We can't notice something before we notice it.
Any decisions we made in regards to our child, were made in the best way we could with the information available to us at that time, or we wouldn’t have made them. Making a decision is like putting a puzzle together. Until all the pieces are there, we can’t make the decision. We did what we thought was right. If we didn’t think it was right, we wouldn’t have made the decision. We can’t go back and change our decisions. What’s been done can’t be undone, only learned from. Even if we say, “I could have done better,” there was no way for us to know we could have done better at that time. We didn’t have all the information yet. “I could have done better,” is second guessing and not healthy.
Let’s say your child died in a car accident after you gave him the keys and you’re saying, “If I hadn’t given him the car keys, he wouldn’t have died.” You did what you thought was right. You had no way of knowing he was going to die. You made the right decision at that time. If you thought it was wrong, if you thought he was going to die, you certainly wouldn’t have given him the keys.
For those parents whose child completed suicide, you may be saying, “How could we have missed the signs? Why were we so stupid?” You couldn’t have seen the signs because that information hadn’t come to you yet. Those signs, those puzzle pieces, hadn’t been revealed, so you made the
best decision you could with the information available. We see things when we see them. We can’t see them before we see them. If you’d seen them, you would have certainly acted on them.
For the man who thinks maybe they could have done more for their daughter, he may be saying, “Was there another test or another medicine or another therapy that could have helped her live?” Maybe there was, but he had no way of knowing that because the information wasn’t available yet. It was still being formulated and might never have made it to him. He couldn’t have known to do anything different than what he did. He did his best in the best interest of his daughter.
What do we do with the guilt we might have when we find that the decision we thought was right turned out to be wrong? Or, we didn’t make any decision at all. If we constantly, or even occasionally say, “What if, what if, what if,” our guilt, and those horrible emotions might never leave. They can abuse and tear us apart. And possibly destroy our relationships with others in our lives. First of all, feel the guilt and try to understand why you have the guilt. Don’t run from it, deny it or try to hide it. Investigate it and learn from your guilt. Do your best to express it in positive ways by talking or writing about it, beating up a pillow, crying or any other way that works for you. Let the guilt in, experience it and let it out through positive expression and then do your best to let it go. Let it in, let it out, let it go. There’s no upside to guilt if it creates an ongoing disturbance in your life, in the relationship with your child
or with others in your life.
To move forward in your journey, try this to see if it can help. If you say, “I did the best I could at the time with the information I had and I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made,” and truly believe that, the guilt can go and be gone forever.
One way that can facilitate letting go of your guilt is to speak, or write, an apology to your child and to ask for their forgiveness. They will surely give it. They know you did the best you could at the time you made your decisions. You believed they were correct. If you didn’t believe they were correct, you wouldn’t have made them. Even if you say, “I could have done better,” you did the best you could based on what you knew at the time. You did what you thought was right, even if it didn’t turn out right.
By speaking your request out loud, or writing it down, it came out. You gave it a voice. It’s no longer hidden in an unspoken thought or action. The guilt is being released from your inner jail. Once it’s out, it can then leave. If it’s never out, it can never leave. Once it’s gone, you can then work at forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself can be a significant step forward in finding your smile and finding the life of your child. You did the best you could, try and forgive yourself.
Every year I’m invited to an Alumni Night by my support group. I go every year to let the newly bereaved know that with work done they can survive the death of their child and lead a good life again. Close to fourteen years down the road, my smile and the life of my son have been back
with me for many years.
Near the end of the meeting as questions and answers went back and forth, a bereaved father said quietly, “I wonder what more we could have done? What decisions should we have made differently?” There was pain in his voice and tears in his eyes. I suspect there was guilt in his heart. His daughter had died five years ago from complications brought on by diabetes. Someone else spoke quickly and we never got back to him. On my way home I started thinking about self forgiveness and what a great benefit it can be on the journey to a better life.
Those feelings of guilt associated with, “If I’d only….” or, “Why didn’t we….” or, “Should we have….,” are common. We think back and go over and over the decisions we made, or didn’t make, and try to figure out how it all went wrong when our child died. It’s easy to beat ourselves up with, “What if?”
We make decisions when we make them. If we made them before we made them we would have already made them. That sounds either very obvious or very dumb. When we make a decision, we make it because we think it’s the correct decision at that time. We say, “Yes.” When we make a decision and think it’s wrong, we don’t make the decision to move forward. We say, “No.” Before we make a decision we use the information available to us, our past experiences, advice from others and our best judgment. We mix some, or all, of those together and make a decision. Sometimes it’s just a best guess, but we do it always, always, thinking it’s the right thing to do.
Even the person who gets upset with their boss and yells at them, decided at some point that yelling at their boss was the right thing to do. As they’re yelling, they may be thinking,“This is wrong,” but they went ahead anyway because they decided it was right at that time. In hindsight, it
probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but at the moment it felt right. That’s why second guessing can be so destructive. “Why did I decide to yell at my boss? That was really dumb.” It was only dumb because that person now had more information on why it was dumb. That information wasn’t available when they decided to yell. We can’t know the future.
Some decisions work out and some don’t. If it turns out the decision you made was wrong, or not even made, which is a decision too, you then use that experience to make a better decision next time, which may or may not work out. Perfect decisions on sensitive subjects are challenging. We can make a perfectly round tire or find a perfect answer to a math problem, but “humans” and“perfect” and “emotions” sometimes don’t work out.
Things happen when they happen. If we go forward with a decision, it’s because we thinks it’s the right decision, even if it doesn’t turn out right, which we can’t always control.
We can't do something before we do it.
We can't think of something before we think of it.
We can't notice something before we notice it.
Any decisions we made in regards to our child, were made in the best way we could with the information available to us at that time, or we wouldn’t have made them. Making a decision is like putting a puzzle together. Until all the pieces are there, we can’t make the decision. We did what we thought was right. If we didn’t think it was right, we wouldn’t have made the decision. We can’t go back and change our decisions. What’s been done can’t be undone, only learned from. Even if we say, “I could have done better,” there was no way for us to know we could have done better at that time. We didn’t have all the information yet. “I could have done better,” is second guessing and not healthy.
Let’s say your child died in a car accident after you gave him the keys and you’re saying, “If I hadn’t given him the car keys, he wouldn’t have died.” You did what you thought was right. You had no way of knowing he was going to die. You made the right decision at that time. If you thought it was wrong, if you thought he was going to die, you certainly wouldn’t have given him the keys.
For those parents whose child completed suicide, you may be saying, “How could we have missed the signs? Why were we so stupid?” You couldn’t have seen the signs because that information hadn’t come to you yet. Those signs, those puzzle pieces, hadn’t been revealed, so you made the
best decision you could with the information available. We see things when we see them. We can’t see them before we see them. If you’d seen them, you would have certainly acted on them.
For the man who thinks maybe they could have done more for their daughter, he may be saying, “Was there another test or another medicine or another therapy that could have helped her live?” Maybe there was, but he had no way of knowing that because the information wasn’t available yet. It was still being formulated and might never have made it to him. He couldn’t have known to do anything different than what he did. He did his best in the best interest of his daughter.
What do we do with the guilt we might have when we find that the decision we thought was right turned out to be wrong? Or, we didn’t make any decision at all. If we constantly, or even occasionally say, “What if, what if, what if,” our guilt, and those horrible emotions might never leave. They can abuse and tear us apart. And possibly destroy our relationships with others in our lives. First of all, feel the guilt and try to understand why you have the guilt. Don’t run from it, deny it or try to hide it. Investigate it and learn from your guilt. Do your best to express it in positive ways by talking or writing about it, beating up a pillow, crying or any other way that works for you. Let the guilt in, experience it and let it out through positive expression and then do your best to let it go. Let it in, let it out, let it go. There’s no upside to guilt if it creates an ongoing disturbance in your life, in the relationship with your child
or with others in your life.
To move forward in your journey, try this to see if it can help. If you say, “I did the best I could at the time with the information I had and I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made,” and truly believe that, the guilt can go and be gone forever.
One way that can facilitate letting go of your guilt is to speak, or write, an apology to your child and to ask for their forgiveness. They will surely give it. They know you did the best you could at the time you made your decisions. You believed they were correct. If you didn’t believe they were correct, you wouldn’t have made them. Even if you say, “I could have done better,” you did the best you could based on what you knew at the time. You did what you thought was right, even if it didn’t turn out right.
By speaking your request out loud, or writing it down, it came out. You gave it a voice. It’s no longer hidden in an unspoken thought or action. The guilt is being released from your inner jail. Once it’s out, it can then leave. If it’s never out, it can never leave. Once it’s gone, you can then work at forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself can be a significant step forward in finding your smile and finding the life of your child. You did the best you could, try and forgive yourself.