It’s also okay not to grieve
“Wow,” you say, “I’ve never heard someone say that before. All I’ve heard are things like, 'Get it out,' or, 'You’ve got to express yourself,' or, 'Don’t keep your pain inside.” All of those are true, but I don’t believe they’re true all the time. Yes, it’s critical you share your suffering. Yes, it’s critical to bleed out the poison of your child’s death. Their death is an absolute horror that you might not know how to handle, especially if you’re newly bereaved. Grieving is hard work. It’s exhausting, draining and essential work if you want to smile again; but you can’t do it all the time.
Have you ever worked seven days a week for a month, or even longer? Not one day off. You get up, go to work, come home, go to bed; get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, etc., etc. At some point you say, “Enough already, I need a break from my job.” You may do that with a reward of a night out, a massage, a vacation or just a quiet evening with a good book. Whatever you do, it’s a way to get away from the work of doing your job. You may love what you do, but at times you need some emotional distance from doing it. It’s the same way with our job of grieving. Getting it out, letting go, crying, beating up a pillow, talking, and the myriad of other ways to express ourselves are healthy and constructive, but can also be exhausting. The grieving and healing soul can only handle so much.
When your child died you may have felt like your life had been tossed into a blender and switched on high. Around and around you spun, confusion
reigned, and may still. You were doing grief work but probably didn’t know it. What you knew for sure was that at the end of each day you were exhausted, not knowing if you could go on. When the blender slowed down a bit and you found your pain was still with you, and you made the decision to feel better, your work began in earnest.
How you heal is up to you. Healing is a lifelong process, full of bumps in the road, falling down and getting back up. It’s hard work but doable work and can actually be rewarding (it’s true) when done with enthusiasm and optimism, both of which are in short supply if you’re new to your journey. A “can do” attitude can take a while to find, but if you do your work, that attitude can enter your life and you can heal. Time, and what you do with it, and being good to yourself, will help you once again find your smile. This journey is survivable, joy can return, but you will need to invest yourself in the process for that to happen. But it’s also important to back off, get some perspective and take a break from grieving.
The work of grieving and healing is done in many different ways. Sometimes you’ll hear, “There are no wrong ways to grieve.” For the most part
that’s true. But if you’re abusing yourself or others, your grief is moving in a dangerous and unhealthy direction. There are no good ways to run from your pain. Yes, it can be difficult to express how you feel and you may try to bury your suffering in ways that are destructive and hurtful. That behavior will not make your pain go away. It will still be there when you return. If you find yourself walking down that path and feel helpless and alone, search for help. You are never, ever, ever alone in your journey. There are many ways to help yourself and many understanding and compassionate people to help you. You can get better, you can move in a positive direction, but you might need assistance in finding that path. Seeking help is a sign of your strength and desire to get better. You’re saying, “I don’t know what to do here, I need help.” Reach out for help; it can only do good things for you. The work of grieving in negative ways will be a lot harder on you than working on your healing in positive ways.
As you do your grieving and healing work, you’ll find many ways to do that work. Grab as many as you can, throw them into the mix of your life; take
what works and throw away what doesn’t. Give them all a chance. In other words, do what’s best for you, not necessarily what others think you should do. Try not to be a “pleaser griever.”Actively participate in your healing and express it in positive ways. There are books to read, people to talk to, conferences to attend and support groups to join. There are many ways to heal. But just as your grief can overwhelm you, so can the process of grieving. At some point you may say, “Enough already, I need a break!” That’s fine.
Try not to feel bad about taking a break from your job of grieving. If you leave grieving behind for a while, you’re not leaving your child behind. Try not to think of taking a break from your pain as taking a break from the love you have for your child. You will always love them and you will never forget them whether you’re expressing your pain or getting away from it for a while.
There’s healing in routine and normalcy. Before your child died you probably went to dinner, the show, a sporting event, bowling or dancing. Those
activities filled your life with laughter and joy. They won’t fill your life like they used to because your life is so different now, but if you let them, those fun activities can take you away from your pain for a while and make your life better. Getting away from grieving can be healing. When you take a break
from grieving, don’t stay away too long, but stay away long enough to recharge your heart and your enthusiasm for your healing work. Escape to a world where your child’s death isn’t on your mind all the time. Let yourself feel true and genuine laughter. You’re not forgetting your child or disrespecting their
memory. To the contrary, you’re embracing your healing, and their life, in a positive way. They are proud of you.
Life is very difficult after our kids die. It will never be the same but it doesn’t mean life has to be painful and filled with suffering. Healing work takes time and at times can consume us. Smiles and joy are out there to be found. They’re found in our healing and in the lives of our kids. When grieving
becomes overwhelming, take a break, it’s also okay not to grieve.
“Wow,” you say, “I’ve never heard someone say that before. All I’ve heard are things like, 'Get it out,' or, 'You’ve got to express yourself,' or, 'Don’t keep your pain inside.” All of those are true, but I don’t believe they’re true all the time. Yes, it’s critical you share your suffering. Yes, it’s critical to bleed out the poison of your child’s death. Their death is an absolute horror that you might not know how to handle, especially if you’re newly bereaved. Grieving is hard work. It’s exhausting, draining and essential work if you want to smile again; but you can’t do it all the time.
Have you ever worked seven days a week for a month, or even longer? Not one day off. You get up, go to work, come home, go to bed; get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, etc., etc. At some point you say, “Enough already, I need a break from my job.” You may do that with a reward of a night out, a massage, a vacation or just a quiet evening with a good book. Whatever you do, it’s a way to get away from the work of doing your job. You may love what you do, but at times you need some emotional distance from doing it. It’s the same way with our job of grieving. Getting it out, letting go, crying, beating up a pillow, talking, and the myriad of other ways to express ourselves are healthy and constructive, but can also be exhausting. The grieving and healing soul can only handle so much.
When your child died you may have felt like your life had been tossed into a blender and switched on high. Around and around you spun, confusion
reigned, and may still. You were doing grief work but probably didn’t know it. What you knew for sure was that at the end of each day you were exhausted, not knowing if you could go on. When the blender slowed down a bit and you found your pain was still with you, and you made the decision to feel better, your work began in earnest.
How you heal is up to you. Healing is a lifelong process, full of bumps in the road, falling down and getting back up. It’s hard work but doable work and can actually be rewarding (it’s true) when done with enthusiasm and optimism, both of which are in short supply if you’re new to your journey. A “can do” attitude can take a while to find, but if you do your work, that attitude can enter your life and you can heal. Time, and what you do with it, and being good to yourself, will help you once again find your smile. This journey is survivable, joy can return, but you will need to invest yourself in the process for that to happen. But it’s also important to back off, get some perspective and take a break from grieving.
The work of grieving and healing is done in many different ways. Sometimes you’ll hear, “There are no wrong ways to grieve.” For the most part
that’s true. But if you’re abusing yourself or others, your grief is moving in a dangerous and unhealthy direction. There are no good ways to run from your pain. Yes, it can be difficult to express how you feel and you may try to bury your suffering in ways that are destructive and hurtful. That behavior will not make your pain go away. It will still be there when you return. If you find yourself walking down that path and feel helpless and alone, search for help. You are never, ever, ever alone in your journey. There are many ways to help yourself and many understanding and compassionate people to help you. You can get better, you can move in a positive direction, but you might need assistance in finding that path. Seeking help is a sign of your strength and desire to get better. You’re saying, “I don’t know what to do here, I need help.” Reach out for help; it can only do good things for you. The work of grieving in negative ways will be a lot harder on you than working on your healing in positive ways.
As you do your grieving and healing work, you’ll find many ways to do that work. Grab as many as you can, throw them into the mix of your life; take
what works and throw away what doesn’t. Give them all a chance. In other words, do what’s best for you, not necessarily what others think you should do. Try not to be a “pleaser griever.”Actively participate in your healing and express it in positive ways. There are books to read, people to talk to, conferences to attend and support groups to join. There are many ways to heal. But just as your grief can overwhelm you, so can the process of grieving. At some point you may say, “Enough already, I need a break!” That’s fine.
Try not to feel bad about taking a break from your job of grieving. If you leave grieving behind for a while, you’re not leaving your child behind. Try not to think of taking a break from your pain as taking a break from the love you have for your child. You will always love them and you will never forget them whether you’re expressing your pain or getting away from it for a while.
There’s healing in routine and normalcy. Before your child died you probably went to dinner, the show, a sporting event, bowling or dancing. Those
activities filled your life with laughter and joy. They won’t fill your life like they used to because your life is so different now, but if you let them, those fun activities can take you away from your pain for a while and make your life better. Getting away from grieving can be healing. When you take a break
from grieving, don’t stay away too long, but stay away long enough to recharge your heart and your enthusiasm for your healing work. Escape to a world where your child’s death isn’t on your mind all the time. Let yourself feel true and genuine laughter. You’re not forgetting your child or disrespecting their
memory. To the contrary, you’re embracing your healing, and their life, in a positive way. They are proud of you.
Life is very difficult after our kids die. It will never be the same but it doesn’t mean life has to be painful and filled with suffering. Healing work takes time and at times can consume us. Smiles and joy are out there to be found. They’re found in our healing and in the lives of our kids. When grieving
becomes overwhelming, take a break, it’s also okay not to grieve.