Like Watching an Oak Tree Grow
When I talk with other bereaved parents who are new to their journey, I’m asked the same question almost every time, “Will I ever feel better?” I assure them they can, but I always tell (because I was the same way) that they’re not going to be able to believe it until it happens to them. What I try to do is plant a seed of hope that will keep them working on their grief and reaching out to find a better life.
After my son Brendon died, I was like any other bereaved parent. I said, “Give me anything to make my pain go away NOW.” If a magic potion, an
instruction manual or a hammer would have ended my suffering I would have used them all. But I learned that this journey doesn’t move fast, it doesn’t move at all sometimes and is certainly a journey that will never end. We can only work on our grief and stay open to the possibilities for healing that we can find (if we look for them) every day of our lives. I use the word hope as an acronym for seeing ways to heal. It’s this, H.O.P.E. – Healing Opportunities are Possible Everyday. They’re out there if we pay attention and absorb them.
We only see healing in hindsight. If we demand too much healing too quickly and only focus on our progress right here and right now, we may never
let our past show us how far along we’ve come. If we do that, it may be difficult to see any healing at any time on our journey. It’s like standing and
watching a tree grow. In particular, an oak tree, which is one of the slowest growing trees. If you were to plant an oak tree in your yard and then every day
stand for a while and try to watch it grow, you wouldn’t see that growth. But, if you stepped away from that tree for a number of weeks or months and then came back, you’d see the branches a little longer, the trunk a little fuller and you’d know that the roots are a little deeper and taking a firmer grip in its new home. The tree may grow faster on certain days than other days, but if the tree is watered and fed, the growth will be constant and on going.
As we feed and water our oak tree (our life) through reaching out for help, doing our grief work and making a commitment to a better life by battling
our pain and grief, we too can see growth as we pay attention and reflect back on our journey. Just like the oak tree, there may be some days where we move forward and grow and some days where there’s no growth at all, which is fine. The key is to keep working and to understand that the very real possibility of finding our happiness and meaning again can happen, but it will happen slowly. The pain will go away slowly, but a lot of it can go away. The smiles will return slowly, but they can return. The life of our child will return slowly, but it definitely can return.
I chose the oak tree as a metaphor for our lives because of its slow, patient growth, but also because of its strength, endurance and long life. Oak
trees have a life span of 200-600 years with some species living as long as 1000 years. Oak trees can take 20 years before bearing their first acorns as seeds for new trees. The oak tree will spread other life in time, but it takes time. A proverb goes, “Mighty oaks from tiny acorns grow.” They are strong; they are patient; they endure.
Just like the mighty oak started from a single seed, so did our journey start from a single seed of hope by talking to another bereaved parent, reading
a book on grief, joining a support group or the many other ways we can help ourselves heal and feel better. That seed of hope lives in all of us. For that
seed to grow it must be nurtured and fed with positive expression of our pain. As we feed our lives with the commitment that life can get better, our smiles
can return and the seed of hope will grow into a strong and powerful oak tree of healing. The journalist Barbara Walters once asked a famous celebrity if she could be a tree, what kind of tree would she be? Barbara took a lot of teasing over the years for asking a seemingly trivial question of the renowned actress. The actress answered, “An oak tree.” Oak trees are symbols of patience andstrength. Oak trees are majestic and strong. Oak trees endure.
As we let go of expectations of a quick and final end to our grief, we can become more comfortable in our journey. Even though we will forever grieve
the death of our kids, it doesn’t mean we need to lead a grief stricken life. Not all of our kids died when their bodies died. If we do our work, if we let go
and forgive, and look to our past to show us how far we’ve come, we can heal a little more each day. As we heal, as we move forward in life, we get ever closer to our smiles, our meaning and to recapturing the lives of our kids through our memories, their life force and our love.
The next time you pass an oak tree, give it a wave and a thank you, knowing that you are that tree, moving slowly, but persistently through your
healing life. In time you too will produce acorns and be able to give away your seeds of hope to another bereaved parent who will ask you, “Will I ever feel
better?” And you can say, “Yes, you can feel better.”
When I talk with other bereaved parents who are new to their journey, I’m asked the same question almost every time, “Will I ever feel better?” I assure them they can, but I always tell (because I was the same way) that they’re not going to be able to believe it until it happens to them. What I try to do is plant a seed of hope that will keep them working on their grief and reaching out to find a better life.
After my son Brendon died, I was like any other bereaved parent. I said, “Give me anything to make my pain go away NOW.” If a magic potion, an
instruction manual or a hammer would have ended my suffering I would have used them all. But I learned that this journey doesn’t move fast, it doesn’t move at all sometimes and is certainly a journey that will never end. We can only work on our grief and stay open to the possibilities for healing that we can find (if we look for them) every day of our lives. I use the word hope as an acronym for seeing ways to heal. It’s this, H.O.P.E. – Healing Opportunities are Possible Everyday. They’re out there if we pay attention and absorb them.
We only see healing in hindsight. If we demand too much healing too quickly and only focus on our progress right here and right now, we may never
let our past show us how far along we’ve come. If we do that, it may be difficult to see any healing at any time on our journey. It’s like standing and
watching a tree grow. In particular, an oak tree, which is one of the slowest growing trees. If you were to plant an oak tree in your yard and then every day
stand for a while and try to watch it grow, you wouldn’t see that growth. But, if you stepped away from that tree for a number of weeks or months and then came back, you’d see the branches a little longer, the trunk a little fuller and you’d know that the roots are a little deeper and taking a firmer grip in its new home. The tree may grow faster on certain days than other days, but if the tree is watered and fed, the growth will be constant and on going.
As we feed and water our oak tree (our life) through reaching out for help, doing our grief work and making a commitment to a better life by battling
our pain and grief, we too can see growth as we pay attention and reflect back on our journey. Just like the oak tree, there may be some days where we move forward and grow and some days where there’s no growth at all, which is fine. The key is to keep working and to understand that the very real possibility of finding our happiness and meaning again can happen, but it will happen slowly. The pain will go away slowly, but a lot of it can go away. The smiles will return slowly, but they can return. The life of our child will return slowly, but it definitely can return.
I chose the oak tree as a metaphor for our lives because of its slow, patient growth, but also because of its strength, endurance and long life. Oak
trees have a life span of 200-600 years with some species living as long as 1000 years. Oak trees can take 20 years before bearing their first acorns as seeds for new trees. The oak tree will spread other life in time, but it takes time. A proverb goes, “Mighty oaks from tiny acorns grow.” They are strong; they are patient; they endure.
Just like the mighty oak started from a single seed, so did our journey start from a single seed of hope by talking to another bereaved parent, reading
a book on grief, joining a support group or the many other ways we can help ourselves heal and feel better. That seed of hope lives in all of us. For that
seed to grow it must be nurtured and fed with positive expression of our pain. As we feed our lives with the commitment that life can get better, our smiles
can return and the seed of hope will grow into a strong and powerful oak tree of healing. The journalist Barbara Walters once asked a famous celebrity if she could be a tree, what kind of tree would she be? Barbara took a lot of teasing over the years for asking a seemingly trivial question of the renowned actress. The actress answered, “An oak tree.” Oak trees are symbols of patience andstrength. Oak trees are majestic and strong. Oak trees endure.
As we let go of expectations of a quick and final end to our grief, we can become more comfortable in our journey. Even though we will forever grieve
the death of our kids, it doesn’t mean we need to lead a grief stricken life. Not all of our kids died when their bodies died. If we do our work, if we let go
and forgive, and look to our past to show us how far we’ve come, we can heal a little more each day. As we heal, as we move forward in life, we get ever closer to our smiles, our meaning and to recapturing the lives of our kids through our memories, their life force and our love.
The next time you pass an oak tree, give it a wave and a thank you, knowing that you are that tree, moving slowly, but persistently through your
healing life. In time you too will produce acorns and be able to give away your seeds of hope to another bereaved parent who will ask you, “Will I ever feel
better?” And you can say, “Yes, you can feel better.”