One word -- Courage
I will not tell you that you are strong. I know you don’t feel strong. A single word could bring you to your knees. I will not tell you I admire you. I doubt you feel admirable. More like confused and hurting; falling down a deep, dark hole.
What I will tell you is that you have courage. Courage you may not recognize in yourself. When you read a book or magazine article on grief, attend a support group or talk about your grief, you have courage. When you positively express your suffering, you have courage. When you get out of bed when you don’t want to, get dressed, go to work, take care of yourself and make it to the end of your day, you have courage. Courage you probably thought you never had. Courage you never wanted to know you had, but courage you now have.
Courage is not easy to find, let alone keep. But it can be found and it can be kept. During those horrible days after your child died when you thought you may die too, you kept courage firmly in front of you. Courage was your partner. When your pain was overwhelming, you kept courage firmly in your heart. In your courage is where you gave birth to your healing.
The opportunities to find courage are many, if you pay attention. When you went to the grocery store, even if you collapsed on the floor at the site of your child’s favorite food, but made it back home, you found courage. When you looked through photo albums of your child and cried and cried, releasing your pain, you found courage. When you spoke their name, told their story and allowed yourself to grieve, you found courage. Courage born can never die. Courage found can never be lost.
It can be difficult to wake up every day and find courage. The devastation from your child’s death is probably like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Words like happy, smile, laughter, meaning and joy are concepts in a distant reality you may think you’ll never know again. When you hear a bereaved parent talk about the return of their smile, or how they’ve found meaning again, let that give rise to your courage. Have an attitude that says, “If it can happen for them, it can happen for me.”It’s true, it can happen for you, it’s happened for thousands of parents who did their work and didn’t let death win. Bring courage into your life and it will bring along its partners of hope, a positive attitude and the desire for a better day.
Death’s not as powerful as it thinks it is if you don’t let it be. Death took your child’s body. That’s huge, but that one thing is all death took. Death can never take their life force, your memories or your love. Those three belong to their lives. Your child wins, three to one. Death did not take all. Always remember that for your child to have died, they first had to have lived, no matter how long that was. If you focus on their living and let go of their dying, it’s possible to bury their death and give birth to their life. Your child can live again, not like you want them to live, but in the best way you let them live. Let your courage let them live.
It’s very hard, it takes great courage, to let go of parts of our past. We want one more hug, one more kiss and one more chance to talk to our children. We all want tomorrow. Sadly, those are unchangeable events. Letting go of those desires, that part of our past, is where we can find our greatest healing. It takes time to find that release and it takes courage to search for it. Don’t stop searching.
Hope is one of courage’s greatest allies. Hope is why we get out of bed. Hope tells us that our lives can improve. If we pay attention, hope can be found in many places and in many ways. It takes courage to allow ourselves to take hope in, to let it heal us, to let us find a better day. My acronym for hope is, H.O.P.E. --Healing Opportunities are Possible Every day. Hope can be found in the smallest of things like seeing the sun rise when we open our blinds in the morning. Hope can be found in the grandest of things like the wonderful memories of our children. Those memories are of living, laughing, loving children. They are not memories of a dead child; they are memories of a living child.
A belief that our lives will get better is called a positive attitude. An attitude that says, “I want to feel better, I believe I can feel better and I’ll do my work to make that happen.” To maintain a positive attitude in my life I’ve written morning and evening affirmations. They remind me that even though a horrible thing has happened to me and my son, not all of life is horrible. There are many good things, good people and good opportunities in my life. It’s important to my healing for me to keep in mind that I’m a blessed father for the time I had with my son in my arms, and for the time I will always have him in my life and in my heart.
We’re experiencing the greatest challenge we will probably ever know. The death of our children is a suffering like no other. But as deep as our pain has been, or still is, we cannot let death win. We cannot let our child’s death overshadow their life; death cannot have all of our children. We must use our courage to push back on death.
In our greatest adversity we find our greatest strength; in that strength we find our greatest healing. We will forever grieve the death of our kids, but it doesn’t mean we have to lead a grief stricken life. That’s what courage tells us.
I will not tell you that you are strong. I know you don’t feel strong. A single word could bring you to your knees. I will not tell you I admire you. I doubt you feel admirable. More like confused and hurting; falling down a deep, dark hole.
What I will tell you is that you have courage. Courage you may not recognize in yourself. When you read a book or magazine article on grief, attend a support group or talk about your grief, you have courage. When you positively express your suffering, you have courage. When you get out of bed when you don’t want to, get dressed, go to work, take care of yourself and make it to the end of your day, you have courage. Courage you probably thought you never had. Courage you never wanted to know you had, but courage you now have.
Courage is not easy to find, let alone keep. But it can be found and it can be kept. During those horrible days after your child died when you thought you may die too, you kept courage firmly in front of you. Courage was your partner. When your pain was overwhelming, you kept courage firmly in your heart. In your courage is where you gave birth to your healing.
The opportunities to find courage are many, if you pay attention. When you went to the grocery store, even if you collapsed on the floor at the site of your child’s favorite food, but made it back home, you found courage. When you looked through photo albums of your child and cried and cried, releasing your pain, you found courage. When you spoke their name, told their story and allowed yourself to grieve, you found courage. Courage born can never die. Courage found can never be lost.
It can be difficult to wake up every day and find courage. The devastation from your child’s death is probably like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Words like happy, smile, laughter, meaning and joy are concepts in a distant reality you may think you’ll never know again. When you hear a bereaved parent talk about the return of their smile, or how they’ve found meaning again, let that give rise to your courage. Have an attitude that says, “If it can happen for them, it can happen for me.”It’s true, it can happen for you, it’s happened for thousands of parents who did their work and didn’t let death win. Bring courage into your life and it will bring along its partners of hope, a positive attitude and the desire for a better day.
Death’s not as powerful as it thinks it is if you don’t let it be. Death took your child’s body. That’s huge, but that one thing is all death took. Death can never take their life force, your memories or your love. Those three belong to their lives. Your child wins, three to one. Death did not take all. Always remember that for your child to have died, they first had to have lived, no matter how long that was. If you focus on their living and let go of their dying, it’s possible to bury their death and give birth to their life. Your child can live again, not like you want them to live, but in the best way you let them live. Let your courage let them live.
It’s very hard, it takes great courage, to let go of parts of our past. We want one more hug, one more kiss and one more chance to talk to our children. We all want tomorrow. Sadly, those are unchangeable events. Letting go of those desires, that part of our past, is where we can find our greatest healing. It takes time to find that release and it takes courage to search for it. Don’t stop searching.
Hope is one of courage’s greatest allies. Hope is why we get out of bed. Hope tells us that our lives can improve. If we pay attention, hope can be found in many places and in many ways. It takes courage to allow ourselves to take hope in, to let it heal us, to let us find a better day. My acronym for hope is, H.O.P.E. --Healing Opportunities are Possible Every day. Hope can be found in the smallest of things like seeing the sun rise when we open our blinds in the morning. Hope can be found in the grandest of things like the wonderful memories of our children. Those memories are of living, laughing, loving children. They are not memories of a dead child; they are memories of a living child.
A belief that our lives will get better is called a positive attitude. An attitude that says, “I want to feel better, I believe I can feel better and I’ll do my work to make that happen.” To maintain a positive attitude in my life I’ve written morning and evening affirmations. They remind me that even though a horrible thing has happened to me and my son, not all of life is horrible. There are many good things, good people and good opportunities in my life. It’s important to my healing for me to keep in mind that I’m a blessed father for the time I had with my son in my arms, and for the time I will always have him in my life and in my heart.
We’re experiencing the greatest challenge we will probably ever know. The death of our children is a suffering like no other. But as deep as our pain has been, or still is, we cannot let death win. We cannot let our child’s death overshadow their life; death cannot have all of our children. We must use our courage to push back on death.
In our greatest adversity we find our greatest strength; in that strength we find our greatest healing. We will forever grieve the death of our kids, but it doesn’t mean we have to lead a grief stricken life. That’s what courage tells us.